I’ve had a strange thing happening over the past couple of weeks. My body is tricking me.
I feel lighter. More limber. Stronger. SMALLER.
I’ve had times when I’ve gotten dressed in the morning and thought, I feel smaller today. My legs feel smaller. Overall, I’m taking up less space in this world. So I reach for something I haven’t worn in a while. And, womp womp, it doesn’t fit.
Or, I’ll be walking down the hallway at work, and I think to myself, “gosh I feel smaller today, fitter, better”. But then I walk in the bathroom and look at myself, and nope, nothing is smaller.
My body is tricking me. From the inside out, I’m feeling like I’m making progress but nothing is showing on the outside yet. Is this how it works?
I remember over the years reading articles in magazines about people who lose weight and they say that even though they’ve lost weight, they still feel like they are bigger than they really are at that present moment. But what about me? I feel smaller but in reality, I’m not.
It’s like I’m trapped in a body that doesn’t make sense to my brain. How I’m feeling on the inside isn’t what is happening on the outside.
To say the least, it’s disheartening. Is it the Hashimoto’s slowing things up? PCOS? Old age? What the heck, people!
I guess this is why they say it’s important to be consistent, even when you don’t see any results. Because for crying out loud, I’ve put in the effort.
I think too it makes me feel embarrassed (which is know is stupid, but hear me out on this). I publicly tell people what I’m doing. I’ve been at this blog, or a variation of it, for over 2 years. I’m all like, here’s what I’m eating, here’s how I’m exercising. I’ve eaten a dairy product twice in the last month (miracle). I’m doing my exercise 4 or more days a week.
I’m drinking a green blended concoction once a week. I’ve added in a 16 ounce glass of hot water every day with lemon in it. That makes my water intake 112 ounces a day. I eat a great breakfast 7 days a week, then lunch, and snack 5 days a week at work that has NO grains, dairy, or added sugar whatsoever. I’ve gotten to the point now where my dinners and weekends are with Kevin and not totally grain free, but certainly not off the wagon. I am moderate with my choices during those times. I’ve lost no weight. I feel smaller, but nothing is fitting looser. I’m literally walking around in a body that I don’t feel belongs to me.
But yet, my body persists. Like a tenacious little monster, my skin hangs on to it’s shape and will not yield to my will.
So maybe I’m feeling embarrassed for myself. I just feel like someone, somewhere is thinking, wow, Lisa is doing all of this work and nothing is happening. She must go home and eat in a closet while Kevin is out. Like I’m talking the talk, but not walking the walk.
Make no mistake, this is no pity party. It’s just a public rant on the state I’m in right now. Stuck in a physical form that doesn’t seem right. Working my butt off with no reward.
Consistency. I will plug along.