It’s been two weeks since I’ve posted last and I am sad to report that things have not been going well.
I believe I’m in a flare right now. I’ve been miserable for the past two weeks. All of my early symptoms have returned, along with 10 pounds, which is really frustrating. Rapid weight gain, body aches, hair falling out (including eyelashes), memory loss, problems with “word finding”, bloating, and extreme fatigue are all on my plate right now.
It’s amazing how the body can turn on you so quickly. Suffice it to say that I’m just a little depressed and feeling really gross and ugly right now. I know, it’s not good to be negative, but it’s been a really rough couple of weeks.
Living in a body that is out of control is not fun. Trying to do things to make it right is a constant chore. I’m realizing that this could be a lifelong struggle for me.
It got so bad that I even called my doctor to see what I could do. Should I up my dose? Just wait it out? He hasn’t given me any idea of what I should do. I don’t want to be a crazed maniac and call him every two hours and I certainly can’t jump in my car and drive almost three hours to see him.
I have to get a grip.
I’ve elected to embrace the stance of patience with myself. I’m being patient with my body. I’m not drastically changing the way I’m eating to try to lose weight that I’ve gained over two weeks. I’m just eating the way I always do. Juicing in the morning, lots of eggs for protein, and my usual chili for lunch. Pushing the water, being kind and letting myself enjoy treats like any other normal person.
It’s just going to take time.
I have been frustrated because I’ve been so sore and tired that I haven’t exercised at all in the past two weeks. It’s been a chore to just get out of bed in the morning. This weekend, I need to sit down, make some decisions about how I want to handle exercise when I don’t feel good. I am still struggling with figuring out whether or not I am causing flares by stressing my body or if that helps when I am flaring. What do you do when the things that are supposed to make you better cause your body stress that can result in an autoimmune response?
As you can see, I am definitely still learning. Practicing kindness with myself over the past 14 days has been a minute by minute struggle. It’s hard to experience setbacks. Voices in my head tell me that I’m lazy, fat, ugly, and doomed to be a sloth. The mind is a dangerous place, my friends, when you feel like this. It’s also very tiring to be positive all day around people when you just want to crawl into a ball and disappear.
I almost didn’t post this because I wasn’t sure if I wanted to alarm people. But this is the reality of living with these conditions.
I scour the internet and find underground boards where people reach out and try to find others who understand what it means to suffer with an illness that doesn’t make you “look sick”. But it’s hard to find. People don’t talk about autoimmune disease and thyroid disease enough. It’s a shameful thing, a funny joke in many cases. Oh, she’s fat, she must have a thyroid problem. Maybe if she just eats less… I don’t know how many times I’ve seen this online when people talk about celebrities. It minimizes the truth of the experience for the person suffering. It’s not cool.
So I’m being honest and putting my experience out there. So people can learn and so if someone happens to stumble across my tiny blog that it’s a place to feel normal.
In the meanwhile, I will ride this low, knowing that the high will be coming back around again.